读书笔记|You Are Not Listening 第五章：为什么有人更愿意和狗讲话？

关于听的一些启示

这一章有两个点最触动我。

01认真听人讲话到底是一种怎么样的状态？

相信我们都经历过，在听人讲话时，自己心已经飘远了，只是敷衍的点头，偶尔发出附和的声音，表示自己人还在。这种听的状态让人特别恼火，所以经常有人控诉感叹道，和你讲话还不如和一条狗聊天。

 

那到底要怎样倾听，才会让讲话者觉得受到你的尊重，你真的理解他了？

 

认真倾听的表现是你在给与积极的回应，这种回应不是敷衍的点头和偶尔附和地重复讲话者刚讲过的话，而是给与一些更细节描述性的语言，或者评价性的反馈。要做到这个真的不容易，需要一直投入，主动理解讲话人的真正意图，为什么他们要讲某个故事。

 

一个人的话语中往往含有许多附属次要的细节信息，中间隐含着他们真正要表达的内容。 一个真正的倾听者就像一个侦探，在这层层的掩盖下，挖掘出讲话人的真正意图或者表达出来的真正含义。

 

有时候讲话者自己都不清楚到底为什么要讲一些话。但是一个积极主动的聆听者可以通过观察他的语调变化，肢体语言，根据自己的观察问一些问题来弄明白，或者鼓励讲话者阐述更加清晰。

 

这就是为什么上课时，老师会觉得给有些学生上课时，有很多灵感。这些学生一定是认真的聆听者。老师的每一句话，她都在认真的分析琢磨，甚至会联系自己已知的信息进行对比，并且给与老师积极的反馈。收到这些反馈，老师就会挖掘得更深入，给出更深刻高效的讲解。这种课堂下来，老师和学生的收获都特别巨大。

 

People feel more understood if listeners respond by giving descriptive and evaluative information and this effective listening requires interpretation and interplay.

 

A good listener should be like a detective , sleuthing out why people are telling you the story and what it means to them from all the ancillary information. 

 

Sometimes speakers do not know the answer themselves , but a good listener can help them figure out by asking question and encouraging elaboration.

 

A good listener, by picking up on tonal and non-verbal cues and asking a clarifying question or two, can respond more sensitively and specifically. 

 

 

02如果我们缺少倾听，到底会带来什么后果？反之如果我们认真倾听，又会有什么好处?

 

我们得明白一个基本的道理，才能更好的应对生活中的问题：人是受情绪控制的生物。咱们的行为举止大多是出于欲望，骄傲，羞愧，虚荣，嫉妒，恐惧等等各种情绪，而不是出于客观理智。

 

如果我们愿意认真倾听别人的情绪和感受，我们就会更容易产生共鸣，觉得互相理解，更可能建立起和谐的关系，做事更高效。

 

但是，这个社会上有太多人得不到朋友家人的倾听，负面情绪积累，极度孤僻，心理扭曲。觉得全世界与自己为敌，最终走上极端之路。我们经常在电视上看到，在一些大规模的枪击案，恐怖袭击之后，认识罪犯的人给的评价往往是这个人总是独来独往，不和我们交流；家人和朋友也会说和这个人已经好久没联系了，不知道他平时在干嘛。

 

The world is easier to navigate if you remember that people are governed by emotions, acting more often out of desire , jealousy, pride, shame, vanity and fear than dispassionate logic.  

 

When there is a mass shooting or terrorist attack, it’s not uncommon for people who knew the perpetrator to say he “kept to himself.” Family members often say they had lost touch or had no idea what the person was up to.

 

Listening helps us understand people’s mindsets and motivations, which is essential in building cooperative and productive relationships as well as knowing which relationships you are better off avoiding.

 

When you leave a conversation, ask yourself: what did I just learn about that person? What was most concerning to that person today? How did that person feel about what we were talking about?

 

We can develop our ability to acknowledge other’s point of view with a sensitive response that encourages trust and elaboration . 

 

 

语言亮点

 

“the commute has been a killer and just today it took him an hour and a half to drive twenty miles to the office.”

 

Killer是一个很灵活的小词，在本句中表示让人讨厌抗拒的事，它还可以表示让人觉得很难的事；比如考完试出来，你觉得特别难，你可以说That exam was a  real killer或者That sure was a killer of an exam.

 

但同时它又可以表示特别精彩的事物，比如你看完电影后，可以给朋友推荐说that film is a killer and you should totally watch it.

 

 

“You’re better off not having that crummy job”

crummy可以用来表示糟糕的，劣质的，你可以说a crummy job，相当于lousy job, 还可以说crummy weather糟糕的天气，或者你觉得某个故事讲得不好，就可以说crummy story.

 

 

“generally, responses like “I’m sorry you lost your job” or “You’ll find another job soon” come off as trite and dismissive. ”

Come off as 这个小词词组很好用，简单来说表示的意思是带给人~~印象,让人觉得~~，比如原句中的come off as trite and dismissive 意思是让人觉得特别老套和敷衍。或者我们可以说boys don’t want to come off as weak.

 

“To discount this and listen superficially—or not at all—is to operate at a serious disadvantage”

discount有一个我们熟悉的含义打折，但是在本句中它的意思是不认真对待，认为~~不重要和dismiss这个词的意思很像。比如很多父母劝孩子不要忽视学习的重要性，就可以说you should not discount the importance of studying.

 

“This was true whether the assailant was a disgruntled employee, estranged spouse, troubled teenager, failed business owner, jihadist, or traumatized veteran.  ”

本书作者最喜欢使用排比句来加强自己的说服力，这一句也是用了排比，罗列了六种可能成为assailant攻击者的人。

 

我们可以学习这些人群的表达。 disgruntled employee不满的员工，estranged spouse关系疏远的夫妻，troubled teenager问题少年， failed business owner生意失败的人， traumatized veteran受过精神创伤的老兵。